Saturday, November 12, 2005 @11/12/2005 04:45:00 PM
What can I write? About my majorly fucked up studies or my majorly fucked up life?
Let's talk about my studies. I have had 2 papers so far, both of which, I have absolutely no confidence in. In fact, I may fail them. Yeah, fail. Failure has not been part of my dictionary since I came to uni. But failure has been a major part of my life. All my life, my studies have been fucked up, till I was given the chance to study in Australia. Since then I have not failed. Till this sem, this word surfaced again. Why am I here for then? To fail again? To let my parents down again? Its all my fault, for not being able to control myself. To not be disciplined enough to sit my ass down to study. I have a paper on Monday which I have not even finished studying and at the rate I'm going, I doubt I'm actually going to finish it. Which doesnt surprise me. Cos this is what has been happening to my previous 2 papers. What a major fuck I am. Jess is supposed to be mature. Sometimes I think I'm just still a little kid inside of me. Needing someone to guide me around. To tell me what to do. To give me the answer I actually already have in my heart. To tell me what is right and wrong. I want to be that little kid. A kid that someone can guide. Making decisions is a pain in ass. Its hard, its horrid, its tiring.
Let's talk about my life. Two words: Fucked up. Yeah, that sums up my life right now. Too many problems on my mind. Too many to think I about. Too many I shouldnt be thinking about. Too many I just want to let go. But problems are such a pain that I have to think about them. Letting go is hard but if there's nothing for me to catch on. Catching onto thin air, grasping onto nothing with not even a shred of thin line to hold on. Sucks. I picked up smoking. Yeah smoking. Which I intend to cut hopefully by the time I go home. But my bad habit. Yeah. I hate to admit but according to Anurax, admission is the first step to recovery. I'm admiting it. I better bloody well cut the habit.
Don't let me go cos I have never ever let you go.
But if you moved on without me. I wish you all the best.
⥠every page of my imagination