I dont know what came over me today. Its just a day whereby you sit and reflect. I used to do reflecting alot when I was in Australia. I guess its because more 'eventful' things happen to me over there. But sometimes reflecting comes into order cos its important for us to sit back and think about our lives. At least I think so anyway. Today I was at the library writing a card to Nicole and just thought, its scary that she actually knows me so well. I mean not in a really bad way but its just scary how someone can know another so well just cos we live together. But no matter how much we try not to, I guess everyone still puts on a mask, to try not to be a real me, to always try to leave a good impression. I guess today, I just want to take off that mask, just for one day.
Everyone in life are selfish. This is nothing wrong because its really really normal to think about oneself first before anyone else. No matter how selfless a person is, if the thing that you have to do is dangerous to yourself, honestly ask yourself, will you do it? Well, I wont and will even find excuses not to do it. Sometimes, we try to be managnimous and try to think for others, but i think ultimately, its still about yourself. I once told someone, there are only so many people in the world you can please. What's the point of pleasing everyone where in the end you collapse and not see the results of those you please. Things that you do might seem right to you for that person, but if that person does not think its right, he/she will not appreciate it and just totally blow you away. Also, sometimes will thinking that you being selfless and trying to do something for a person, you are infact harming another person. I once did that. I wanted to pick someone up from work under torrential rain so that he will not be caught in the rain. But yet because of my so- called selfless thinking, I put someone else's boyfriend in the rain to drive me there. Did I actually think about the safety of this person? No i didnt. All I cared was getting the other person home safely. Therefore now I think, there's no such thing as a totally selfless person in this world.
Now with this mask taken off. Who am I? Am I the Jessica that everyone knows? The friendly girl who's loud, who thinks for her friends, who is really sweet and angelic? I dont know myself. Sometimes, all I know about myself are the things that I believe in. I believe strongly in fate, that things that happen happen for a reason. I believe in a chain reaction that one thing will always lead to another. Each is a consequence to another and that fate is a very strong factor in governing one's life. Of cos everyone can beg to differ simply because everyone believes in different things. I dont believe in hope because of the fact that I once did. And this hope came crashing down on me. I was told: Hope is but an illusion. Very harsh but true words. Now I look onto things with a skeptical mind, with the lowest expectations. People always say, aim high, you'll get mediocure. Aim mediocure and you'll get low. But then the higher you aim, the higher you push yourself up into the sky, the harder your fall is. I have learnt that the really hard way, in fact with that, I'm still learning. Life has never been smooth sailing for me. I belong to the category of people whereby everything goes wrong for them in their life. Though many would say that I'm luckier than some, I would just say to each his own.
I believe strongly in following your dreams. I think that's the only thing that keeps me going in Australia. To be reminded of my purpose of going there. To get my dream. Though I side-tracked, I guess all I can say is I'm really glad I'm back on track . Cos just for that few months, I went off track. Now I'm just a lost girl, trying to find her way back. Though seemingly simple, I'm really not that simple. When things happen, I think the worst first. Never the mosst optimistic. Because whatever I hope to happen, will never happen. In fact the opposite happens. I swear. When I think that I'll do well in this exam, I get the worst results. Nowadays I think the worst and maybe things will turn out better. I hope.
I never thought that I made it this far in life. Honestly.. But I'm just glad I did. Today I wonder, Can I love and hurt at the same time? I dont know.
Now with this mask taken off for today. I feel less burdened with a tear drop in my eye.
⥠every page of my imagination
I wish I spent my day in the office like this!
⥠every page of my imagination
| PSYC1020 - Introduction to Psychology: Physiol (Semester: 01, Year: 2005, Campus: St.Lucia ) | ||||||
| INTERACTIVE APPROACH TO WRITING ESSAYS & RESEARCH REPORTS IN | Prescribed | BURTON L | 0470800690 | 31.95 | ||
| PSYCHOLOGICAL SCIENCE MIND BRAIN & BEHAVIOUR & CD | Prescribed | GAZZANIGA M HEATHERTON T | 0393942090 | 90.95 | ||
| STUDY GUIDE FOR GAZZANIGA & HEATHERTONS PSYCHOLOGICAL | Reference | BECK B HENRIQUES J | 0393979547 | 37 | ||
And thank goodness PSYC1030 uses the same texts. I am however not so lucky with PSYC1040 and PSYC2000.
| PSYC1040 - Psychological Research Methodology (Semester: 01, Year: 2005, Campus: St.Lucia ) | ||||||
| INTRODUCTION TO RESEARCH METHODOLOGY & REPORT WRITING IN PSY | Prescribed | TILLEY A | 0958701490 | 82.50 | ||
| QUESTIONS TO ACCOMPANY INTRODUCTION TO RESEARCH METHODOLOGY | Prescribed | TILLEY A | 0958701482 | 45.95 | ||
| PSYC2000 - Psychology of Sport and Exercise (Semester: 01, Year: 2005, Campus: St.Lucia ) | ||||||
| SPORT PSYCHOLOGY | Prescribed | MORRIS T & SUMMERS J | 0470800089 | 81.95 | ||
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Perhaps my kind friends from NUS/NTU can help me see if their bookshop has these books? My uni is driving me crazy because everyone else I know can view their school fees except me. Why is it always me? All bad things always happen to me. This is why my grandmother says I have a 'hard' life.
Oh well, but what's important is- I'm going to the shoe sale this Saturday. Thanks to darlings Daphne and Xiangying.
⥠every page of my imagination
Please tell me if you wanna go? Cos I would love to go.. Keke..
⥠every page of my imagination
Yesterday was one of the most fun days I had- cos it was with my wonderful track girls- Simin, Meiyi and Yeongshi. Though we met at Meiyi's party, this is different cos we met up to chit chat. Because yesterday was also Sumiko's birthday party and therefore the 4 of us decided to meet up earlier at Holland Village to chill. Since we were all going to wear shorts, Holland V seems to be the appropriate place to go to without seeming too underdressed. But I was terribly late *sorry girls* cos I had to wait for lunch with my family which took ages and had to go down to Suntec to get my timesheet signed. In the end, I decided to take a cab down to Holland V and I seldom take cab so yeah, it shows how important they are! Basically these are some of the pics we took yesterday..
First off we met up at Holland V for lunch (well kinda, since I already had mine and the girls were already finishing theirs by the time I got there).
This is
Me and Simin at the Noodle Place in Holland V and
Yeongshi and Meiyi at the Noodle place in Holland V.
After which Simin, Yeongshi and Meiyi had to shop around for Miko's present. And since I bought Sumiko a sports bra, the girls decided on something more feminine for her! And oh, Simin, Yeongshi and I bought something for ourselves too. Haha, Meiyi, Eat your heart out! :P
But nontheless, after settling the present for Miko, we decided to chill at Starbucks. The amount of noise we made was tremendous that I felt sorry for those people who were studying there. But you know what? I dont quite care cos its a public place. *attitude girl* And cos it was quite sometime since I last had the great feeling of just going out with the girls and not caring about what others think of us. So anyway, we were chatting and suddenly we had the bright idea of bringing Meiyi's dogs- Charcoal and Susu to the party. The 4 of us trudged (actually drove courtesy of Yeongshi) to Meiyi's place to get her dogs. Well, at her place, we did more than just getting her dogs...
Both Yeongshi and I had a french manicure done by Meiyi! Both of us had our very first french manicure. It was great..
Meiyi doing a French Mani for Yeongshi
Me and Yeongshi with our 'masked' fingers..
and while waiting for our fingers to dry...
Me, Yeongshi and Simin chilling at Meiyi's place and this is our
Freshly manicured fingers. I look more like a witch though.. After looking all pretty pretty, we must take a pic!
Our group self portrait at Meiyi's place- Impressive huh?
Our attempted group picture again. Giving credit to the camera woman- Meiyi!
Now back to our main concern of going to Meiyi's place...
Meiyi's dogs- Susu and Charcoal with Charcoal looking away.. Dont fret. Here's introducing...
Charcoal.. Isnt he such a handsome boy?
Since it was getting REALLY late. Being seniors somehow dont mean we can be late? Can we? But oh well, we drove down to Simin's house to pick up her car so that she too can drive down to Helen's place in Chua Chu Kang.
So finally finally we were on our way to Yew Mei Green Condo- Helen's place where Sumiko's party was held. Some of the pics took at the party.
The 4 of us with the Birthday Girl- Miko
The 4 of us...
Me, Simin and Meiyi.. Cuddling up...
The gambling peeps...
Me and Meiyi!!
Me, Simin and Yeongshi
Me, Simin and Yeongshi again with Simin looking at the cam! :)
Simin and Yeongshi with Charcoal...
Us with Miko! The birthday girl..
Us with the birthday girl again cept with 2 extras at the back-James and Jeremy who are spoilers. This was actually a very nice picture. Stupid guys..
Miko making her birthday wish...
Simin, Meiyi and Yeongshi with Charcoal and Susu..
And last but not least...
The trackies at Miko's birthday party...
On the whole, I would say I had a really good time cos of the people that were there. Cant wait for our slumber party girls..
*by the way, I think some of the pictures cant be seen here. Just click on them to see them*
⥠every page of my imagination
I heard this song today while eating lunch. Just brought back memories of Nicole and me just sitting there in the dark listening to this song. Singing to it. I really miss being roommates with Nicole. But I guess that out of the whole 2004 year, I'm really glad I made a friend like her.
The Long Goodbye Lyrics
by Ronan Keating
I know they say if you love somebody
You should set them free (so they say)
But it sure is hard to do
Yeah, it sure is hard to do
And I know they say if they don't come back again
Then it's meant to be (so they say)
But those words ain't pulling me through
Cos I'm still in love with you
I spend each day here waiting for a miracle
But it's just you and me going through the mill
(climbin' up a hill)
[Chorus]
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on, baby, it's over, let's face it
All that's happening here is a long goodbye
Sometimes I ask my heart did we really
Give our love a chance (just one more chance)
and I know without a doubt
I turned it inside out
And if we walked away
would make more sense (only self defense)
But it tears me up inside
Just to think we still could try
How long must we keep riding on a carousel
Going round and round and never getting anywhere?
(on a wing and prayer)
[Chorus]
This is the long goodbye
Somebody tell me why
Two lovers in love can't make it
Just what kind of love keeps breaking a heart?
No matter how hard I try
You're gonna make me cry
Come on, baby, it's over, Let's face it
All that's happening here is the long goodbye
[Chorus x2]
The long goodbye
The long goodbye
This is the long goodbye
Someone please tell me why
Are you ever coming back again
Are you ever coming back again
Are you ever coming back again
Guess I'm never coming back again
⥠every page of my imagination
Sometimes I wonder what's the definition of a friendship. How do people actually remain and maintain friends? All along I thought friendship is simple. Simple- like just keeping in contact, chatting and talking. MAybe sometimes going out.. Friendship is mostly based on what? No one actually knows. Someone once told me, a relationship just means that the guy or girl is a very close friend. But since this person was once a very close friend, why is it after the relationship is over, we dont remain friends at all? What then is the proper defination of friendship? Isnt it caring for the other party? Or understanding what the other person needs? Or just sitting there to listen and be there. How can someone who was once so close be so distant now? To seem almost indifferent towards you when just maybe a few weeks ago, we were great pals.
Friends I thought I make easily. Wherever I go, I make friends. But friends to keep? Are always hard to find. I know that its obvious that aquaitances are always easy to make but friends to keep are always hard to find. But dont everyone start from being an aquaintace? Recently I just realised how much hard work a friendship can take. Effort on both parts are much needed, if one party gives up, no matter how much a 2nd party wants it. Its just really hard to go through it alone. What then defines a good friend? Someone who's there in time of need? Someone who's there to advice? Someone who's there to listen or someone who's just there? I dont know. There are many people that I lost contact with, but people I would like to still keep contact with. Its sad. Even though the saying is friends come and go and most friends arent for keep but its really sad to know that there are only that many friends you have for life.
Is a friendship really based on what a person can do for another?
i wonder...
⥠every page of my imagination
I'm confused confused confused. I need help. Badly. I hurt so much, I want to cry. But yet, no one can help me. Why am I always in this predictament. Can the world spin without love? I hope it can because that's where I want to go to live.
⥠every page of my imagination
A month. A whole month has gone by... A month of ups and downs. A month of staying strong and healing. A month with many more months to come.
⥠every page of my imagination
This morning while I was on the train, I saw a couple. Quite a middle aged one. Wait, I wouldnt say middle aged. About early 30s? Anyway, perhaps they are a couple who are still currently in their honeymoon marriage stage( as in recently married for about 2-3 years). But they still look really loving. As loving as they were maybe when they started out as a new couple. Because before marraige, there would always come dating. That would take a couple of years too right? Looking at them like that makes me think if this would be possible for me. To be still in love while still married.
I dont believe that love lasts forever. I believe that love lasts as long as the honeymoon lasts. Honestly that is not very long. After marraige, alot of factors come into play. Its not just sustaining around love anymore. In fact, its alot of hard work on both parties to make it work. After a while, after all those hard work, children come into the picture and it is children that most people feel that the obligation is there to stay in the marriage. Sometimes I look at my parents and wonder why are they even staying the marriage when they obviously dont love each other anymore.
This brings me to think. What is the point of love when it doesnt last? Reuben thinks that this is the very concept that brought the downfall of our relationship. Because I dont believe that love lasts forever.
Does it?
⥠every page of my imagination
Recently I got a new job as a food promoter in Carrefour Plaza Singapura. People tell me I'm crazy to take this job because the job is crap, the pay is crap and the hours are long. Even though its only a weekend promoter and I interswitch with my friend who's currently working there right now, its still a job that people tell me not to take. Yesterday was my first day at work and I think my supervisor is really crap, she really erm just throws everything down. I mean she knows that I dont have experience in this but yet all she says are, erm everything is in the cupboard and shows me which products I'm promoting and says ok I'm going back to Suntec. Honestly I think that's quite crap. But the sales for the day I would say is quite alright, giving my lack of experience BUT there's no commission. Which is really sad.
I guess the most important reason as to why I took the job is because I need something to occupy my Saturdays. I have gotten so used to going out with Ruikun on Saturdays that its just suddenly wierd that he flew off for a month and I wont see him for the next month or so and therefore I have to find something to occupy myself. It is not unbearable like before but still I miss him. The amount of money he spends to call me is horrendous. It really is expensive. Does anyone have an idea about as to whether we have cheap calling cards in Singapore to call Thailand mobile number? Regardless, I'm am utterly and totally shagged in working as a food promoter, standing for 9 hours is no joke with 1/2 hour lunch and 1/2 hour dinner is really pathetic. But I guess its really something to occupy myself with.
Reuben still freaks me out. He sent both Ruikun and me a friendster message:
[For me]
I'm sorry about how I treated you, but I can't
forgive what you did to me too... I hope we
never see each other in the street again....
Stay in Aus, never return okie.... I really don't
want to ever see you again.
[For Ruikun]
I was going to let go, but she hurt me and
lied to me again just before I did... Intolerable
rage... Anyway, its all over... I'm sorry for what
I did to her, but I'll never forgive her for what
happened.
I've only hate for her now... Pure hatred
running throughout each and every single
vein. That hatred is my strength now... Study
Study Study...
Sorry if I ruined your chance with her, but if
you're still with her, then best of luck to you.
Take care...
I honestly think that guy has issues. The only reason he has to let me go is because I finally told my mum about him and my mum called him up. He has no more handle above me. What a loser..
*live life beautifully*
⥠every page of my imagination
I am watching Practical Magic right now. Sometimes I really would wish to have magic in my life but watching the show having magic in your life could sometimes be qutie tiresome. Beautiful but tiresome.
If I had magic what would I do? Bring him back to me. Let me spend my last times in Singapore with him.
If I had magic, I would go back in time. Undo mistakes that I did.
If I had magic, I want to see him asap.
*bring him back to me?*
*live a beautiful life*
⥠every page of my imagination
Today is the 1st day of New Year. Its interesting how I spent it but I wont go into details. It would be too 'boring' a read. Cept to someone(maybe dear?) Oh wait, you were bored too. Haha..
Anyway year 2005. It seems really daunting. I'm not sure of the future. It just doesnt even seem that I have entered the new year. It would be a whole new different year for me. I have changed campus, going to the main campus to study now. Staying nearer the city now in an apartment with 2 other friends. Missing my roommate Nicole terribly. These things seem easy but I know that what seems easy in this year will not be as easy as it is. Sometimes I wish that life will be easy but I know that if life is easy I'll not learn from life and grow there.
2004 has really been a trying year for me. A year that I thought brought me a new life and hope was qutie traumatising for me. Going overseas is a totally different concept for me then and now. Its a new challenge, a new life that I thought I had away from Singapore. A chance that I thought I can escape from Reuben and begin life for my dream. I went over to Australia totally new and blurred, not expecting the life that I would lead there. I flew there, hating the place instantly because of the weather and being away from family is really a first for me. Thankfully I have Fiona to take me around, to bring me to places to survive in Brisbane. When I decided to face reality and go back to Ipswich, I realised that I was not well-liked by my housemates. At least the 2 Singaporean guys. It was really hard because I was used to being pampered and coming here was really hard. When I was away from home, there are times when I just missed home so much, especially most so during the trying times- my plagarism case, James and when I had my accommodation problem. But yet, these housemates are the ones who are there to look after me when I'm drunk, when I have problems in school, problems that no one else can help but them. They are there for me when I had problems with Reuben. Andrew was there for me when I needed someone to talk to about James. Nicole was there for me the whole year.
James is a problem on his own. But he is someone I'll never regret, an experience I'll never forget. Reuben is someone I want to forget but I cant cause of all the hurt he has inflicted on me. Though the problems are over already, its just somthings that I cant forget. 2004 is the year I truly see the importance of kinship, friendship and believing in oneself.
2004 is also the year I found someone I can rely one. Who loves me for who I am, who is my baby.
2004 is over. 2005 has just begun. I wish that 2005 would be as fufilling as 2004 coz its from 2004 that I have experienced a whole new life and have grown from it.
⥠every page of my imagination