Thursday, August 11, 2005 @8/11/2005 01:09:00 AM
I think I have come onto this new post page for the 3rd time today. Somehow, I dont know what to blog. It seems that I have a bloggers' block. Ok, that sounded quite and pretty lame. But alright, that's not the point. I'm just at a loss what to blog. Not that I dont have anything to blog, its just that my thoughts are all over the place. Somehow I cant seem to collate them all and pack them all into nice paragraphs to write about. So bear with me while I try to blog with my haphazard thoughts for today.
My thoughts, how do I start? I guess its simpler to go by events. Lately, things have been really complicated. I mean I know that life is complicated cos that's the idiosyncracy of life but must life be that complicated until the extent where we cant even seem to make head or tail of it? I have blogged about life many times, what it has made me learn and the things it makes me go through. But life this complicated, I just wanna take a step back and breathe. Sometimes, I feel choked with life because its full of mistrust, betrayal, fake people and backstabbers. What ever happened to the beauty of life? After losing someone very close to me, I thought that I learnt to appreciate life more. I thought that I need to care more about the people around and not be indifferent to everything that does not seem to matter to me, but suddenly caring too much hurts. The pain I see going on in my friend's faces make my heart ache too. But then again, I'm just helpless to do anything because I simply cant. I want to do more than just offer a listening ear but I cant. Now I wonder, does making myself over invovled with other people's affairs hurt me even more? Or has it made me more sensitive to my surroundings and what's happening. At one part of this year, I'm indifferent to alot of things. I can be not affected by everything but now, I just feel slightly that I might fall apart. The strong me that is holding up this wall might not hold through any longer.
But then again, I dont want to be weak. I mean seriously, who wants to right? A sign of weakness. I hate to show it especially crying. I have not cried in a long time till the passing of a close friend. And then it just seem that my eyes are taps, just turning on whenever I'm upset. I hate myself this way, this weak side of me because I want to be strong for people around me. This wall.. Made me needy.
And I hate to be Needy.
Oh and did I mention I hate backstabbers too? Rather the accurate word is betrayers and people who think everyone else's business is theirs. There are people who exist in this world whom I actually think dont care about the feelings of others and just about themselves or wait, what they think is right. They enforce what they think is right, at the expense of others. How nice eh? I know of someone like that, sadly. Yes.. I should stay away from that person but I cant because she's everwhere. Thankfully, this feeling is mutual between us. If only she knows how to stop crossing boundaries.
But a bitching session always cure wonders...
⥠every page of my imagination