Tuesday, April 26, 2005 @4/26/2005 02:50:00 PM
Lately, I would say many things have happened to me. Events that are kinda traumatising, yeap, the every happy Jess or so she portrays herself to be in this blog is going through some shit right now. As always actually. I cant remember the last time anything in Australia went smoothly for me, I wonder why am I even here at times. To go through shit? To have heaps and heaps of burden and pressure on my shoulders? I dont know. Sometimes, I would like to take the positive light of things, instead of being so pessimistic about everything that happens to me. But its just so so hard. I try to be strong but can I? Always, in Australia, I will portray a very strong front in front of my friends except for a select few whom I know wont judge me for who I am underneath this strong front.
Lately, I have been talking to an old friend. Someone whom I have not spoken to in a long time. In fact, someone that I didnt even really meet up during my 3 months Summer break. But those few days that I talk to her, she said something about me that I didnt even realise. She said that I grew to be more mature, more positive. The funny thing is, just before I flew back to Australia this year, someone also said that I was childish and spoilt. Its funny how I portray the same person to my friends but yet they view me in different perspective. Or maybe, when I'm in Singapore, I behave differently with less reponsibilities on me. I guess when you dont have to juggle everything at once, you tend to be freer because you know that for the next 9 months that you're in a different country, you have to be mature, you have to make decisions, decisions that you never have to make when you're back home. This lead me to think, who am I really? The mature decision making girl that I am here or the immature spoil brat that I am in Singapore?
At times, I dont even know who I wanna be. Sometimes being young and innocent seem so appealing because you're free from worries, free from all those responsibilities, free from burden, free from pressure. To be young and innocent is so faultless, its so pure and untainted. But yet, stupid in some ways. Yet, being mature seems to serious. Too serious, but yet that's who you have to be sometimes. Can there be a proper balance between the 2? To be mature yet innocent? I dont think so and I think that's the really sad part of it. Because that would be the most perfect person. But then again, no one's perfect.
Something that I have been thinking about.
⥠every page of my imagination