Sunday, January 30, 2005 @1/30/2005 06:39:00 PM
I dont know what came over me today. Its just a day whereby you sit and reflect. I used to do reflecting alot when I was in Australia. I guess its because more 'eventful' things happen to me over there. But sometimes reflecting comes into order cos its important for us to sit back and think about our lives. At least I think so anyway. Today I was at the library writing a card to Nicole and just thought, its scary that she actually knows me so well. I mean not in a really bad way but its just scary how someone can know another so well just cos we live together. But no matter how much we try not to, I guess everyone still puts on a mask, to try not to be a real me, to always try to leave a good impression. I guess today, I just want to take off that mask, just for one day.
Everyone in life are selfish. This is nothing wrong because its really really normal to think about oneself first before anyone else. No matter how selfless a person is, if the thing that you have to do is dangerous to yourself, honestly ask yourself, will you do it? Well, I wont and will even find excuses not to do it. Sometimes, we try to be managnimous and try to think for others, but i think ultimately, its still about yourself. I once told someone, there are only so many people in the world you can please. What's the point of pleasing everyone where in the end you collapse and not see the results of those you please. Things that you do might seem right to you for that person, but if that person does not think its right, he/she will not appreciate it and just totally blow you away. Also, sometimes will thinking that you being selfless and trying to do something for a person, you are infact harming another person. I once did that. I wanted to pick someone up from work under torrential rain so that he will not be caught in the rain. But yet because of my so- called selfless thinking, I put someone else's boyfriend in the rain to drive me there. Did I actually think about the safety of this person? No i didnt. All I cared was getting the other person home safely. Therefore now I think, there's no such thing as a totally selfless person in this world.
Now with this mask taken off. Who am I? Am I the Jessica that everyone knows? The friendly girl who's loud, who thinks for her friends, who is really sweet and angelic? I dont know myself. Sometimes, all I know about myself are the things that I believe in. I believe strongly in fate, that things that happen happen for a reason. I believe in a chain reaction that one thing will always lead to another. Each is a consequence to another and that fate is a very strong factor in governing one's life. Of cos everyone can beg to differ simply because everyone believes in different things. I dont believe in hope because of the fact that I once did. And this hope came crashing down on me. I was told: Hope is but an illusion. Very harsh but true words. Now I look onto things with a skeptical mind, with the lowest expectations. People always say, aim high, you'll get mediocure. Aim mediocure and you'll get low. But then the higher you aim, the higher you push yourself up into the sky, the harder your fall is. I have learnt that the really hard way, in fact with that, I'm still learning. Life has never been smooth sailing for me. I belong to the category of people whereby everything goes wrong for them in their life. Though many would say that I'm luckier than some, I would just say to each his own.
I believe strongly in following your dreams. I think that's the only thing that keeps me going in Australia. To be reminded of my purpose of going there. To get my dream. Though I side-tracked, I guess all I can say is I'm really glad I'm back on track . Cos just for that few months, I went off track. Now I'm just a lost girl, trying to find her way back. Though seemingly simple, I'm really not that simple. When things happen, I think the worst first. Never the mosst optimistic. Because whatever I hope to happen, will never happen. In fact the opposite happens. I swear. When I think that I'll do well in this exam, I get the worst results. Nowadays I think the worst and maybe things will turn out better. I hope.
I never thought that I made it this far in life. Honestly.. But I'm just glad I did. Today I wonder, Can I love and hurt at the same time? I dont know.
Now with this mask taken off for today. I feel less burdened with a tear drop in my eye.